This was originally published at The Edge SUSU on August 12th.
This Week in Gaming sees the re-release of Goat Simulator, the Steam crap-pile that started the vacuous simulator trend, and also a game that wont admit that it’s a game. Oh goodie.
Are you in the mood for some next generation simulator games? Of course you aren’t. Why on earth would you be? Who actually is interested in this crap? And why are these so called “jokes” something that you have to pay for? All of these questions are things that you could better spend your time pursuing, instead of playing the PS4 release of Goat Simulator. If you’re unfamiliar with Goat Simulator than the old adage is indeed true, ignorance really is bliss. Still I will dutifully enlighten you. Goat Simulator is a hysterical joke, in that it’s a game that is intentionally unplayable. Get it? Isn’t that clever!? You play as a goat, and go around being a goat but the physics and controls are bad. That’s it! Seriously, that’s all there is. People pay for this. We let this happen. We live in a world where Silent Hills was cancelled, yet this is still a thing. Great games struggle to get off the ground, yet we as a society have allowed for the marketplace to be overrun with this kind of cock. Did you know there’s a Grass Simulator? Did you know it costs $10?! I am ashamed of humanity. If this was ever funny, it certainly isn’t now.
Still I digress, Goat Simulator is coming to the PS3 and PS4 on August 11th. In conjuncture with this development, the four horsemen of the apocalypse have been sighted making their way across the skies.
Having just about recovered from my burst of rage, I shall proceed with the rest of the round-up. Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture is a first person indie art-game developed by the makers of Dear Esther, it is supposed to be completed in around 20 minutes, and… hang on seriously!? Is this week intent on punishing me for something? What have we done to deserve this? If you haven’t played Dear Esther then, once again, congratulations. In short, the game proudly “defied conventions” by involving minimal interaction from the player. In other words, it was one of those art games that’s essentially afraid of the medium it belongs to. It’s so ashamed of being an actual game, that the developers would rather you just sat and looked at their oh-so-amazing artistry than play the damn thing, resenting the notion of letting the player in any way interact with the world. Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture has been touted as a spiritual successor to that ‘experience’. It says a lot about a game when, in the gameplay section of its description, it begrudgingly announces that gamers will be able to “open doors”. Unfavorably referred to as “walking simulators”, these kind of releases are rarely fulfilling. The game is also released on PS4 on August 11th and is another reason why we can’t have nice things.
Dragon Age: Inquisition is the first thing to come up this week that I can safely call a game without feeling the urge to throw up. Scheduled for release on the 11th is the game’s new DLC, ‘The Descent’. This new single-player add-on will take players on a journey, down to the once inhabited Deep Roads, after earthquakes threaten the lives of everyone in Thedas. Players will explore the caves previously used by the dwarven race, to discover if darkspawn and other creatures may be responsible for the earthquakes occurring in the world above. Think a game version of the Mines of Moria sequence from The Fellowship of the Ring and you’re in the right ball park. ‘The Descent’ is scheduled for release on Aug. 11 for PC, PlayStation 4, and Xbox One.
Another game getting an add-on on the 11th is The Sims 4. The new DLC pack, entitled ‘Cool Kitchen Stuff‘, will contain new breakfast, lunch, and dinner meals. There will also be new cooking appliances for the Sims to use, such as an ice cream maker… It’s gonna be a slow week, okay guys?
The reboot of classic Arcade game Gauntlet was released exclusively on PCs back in 2014. This week, an updated version of the game will finally be making its way to consoles, in the form of a PlayStation 4 port. Gauntlet: Slayer Edition will feature both online and local co-op and new monsters and modes. It is released, just like everything else this week, on August 11th.
Last, but by no stretch of the imagination least, is Toy Soldiers: War Chest, a tower defense game centered around old toys. The game features licensed characters like He-Man and GI Joe, has a playful and colorful tone, and is not Goat Simulator, so at least it’s trying. It too is released on PlayStation 4, Xbox One, Microsoft Windows on August 11th.