The Stupidest Argument in all of Film Criticism

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Being the most asinine thing to come out of a discussion about pop culture is a truly monumental achievement. After all, we’re talking about a subject that has people obsessing over the politics of Ghostbusters, whining about how journalists ‘bully’ certain comic-book corporations, and fretting over the horrific injustices of some incredibly rich, famous people not winning shinny awards. To top the stupidity league in this particular climate is no easy feat.

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How to Review a Comic-Book Adapatation

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Hello there! So I hear that you want to write a review of a new Superhero Film/ TV Show? Well boy have you come to the right place! You see, if you follow our basic tips, then you’ll be able to ignore the blatant irony inherent in complaining about the over-abundance of comic-book adaptations, whilst simultaneously writing another fucking entertainment blog. With this guide, we’ll teach you how to complain that all commercial products are ‘safe’, ‘generic’ and ‘formulaic’, whilst also writing the exact same shit as everyone else on the internet. So what are you waiting for? Dive in and join the ever-growing journalistic cesspit of crushing mediocrity! 

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Has YouTube Actually Gone Insane?

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YouTube seem to be making a concentrated effort lately to alienate their creators. They’ve always been notorious for doing this, due to their lack of proper communication with users, arbitrary terms of service, and their idiotic content ID systems. However, this past year they seem to have gone into overdrive, with PR blunder after PR blunder leading many people to question if they’re intentionally trying to ruin their own business. Continue reading

Rotten Tomatoes doesn’t even matter

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David Ayer’s highly controversial Suicide Squad has been out for more or less a week. Suffice it to say, the film’s already been at the centre of heated debate on nearly every conceivable front, ranging from its presentation of gender issues, to its production problems, right through to its numerous edits. Continue reading

Review: 50 Shades of Grey

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This was originally published at The Edge SUSU On March 1st 2015. 

Based on E. L. James’ monstrously successful erotic romance novel of the same name, Sam Taylor-Johnson’s filmic adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey has at long last arrived and it’s just awful. Truly horrible. Continue reading

Friday the 13th: The Game- One Year Later

This was originally published at Flickering Myth on 2nd June 2018. 

It’s only been a few months since the last update to Friday the 13th: The Game, but in that short space of time, the combined teams over at Gun Media and IIIFonic have been furiously making announcements, pledging new features at an absolutely manic rate.

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Review: Deadpool 2

This was originally published at Flickering Myth on 20th May 2018. 

When reviewing a sequel, it is often worth reiterating your thoughts on its predecessor, so that your readers have a kind of litmus test to work with. That way, they can figure out if they’re on the same wavelength as you. If they are, then they’ll presumably put more stock in your judgement. Meanwhile, if they don’t share your views on the first one, then at least they can take your opinion on the second with a pinch of salt.

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Review: The Jurassic Games

This was originally published at Flickering Myth on 18th May 2018. 

In an alternate future, the proliferation of reality TV has finally reached its logical conclusion; total global domination! It’s at that point where even our legal proceedings- and more worryingly, the practice of capital punishment itself- have been bastardised into a sick form of televised entertainment, complete with vomitous merchandising and vulgar corporate sponsors.

With tasteless spectacle having usurped fair trial and due-process, the emphasis is no longer upon determining the guilt or innocence of the accused. Instead, it is all about sentencing them to the goriest and most sensational ends imaginable. Enter ‘’The Jurassic Games’’: an annual tournament that has convicts fight to the death, in an attempt to secure their freedom. All they have to do is emerge as the last one standing and they get to go home.

Only there’s a twist! Whilst this might appear to be a straightforward free-for-all, teamwork is still advised, as the contestants have more to worry about than just each other. Indeed, there are bigger, badder, toothier things to contend with in the arena. Things like: oversized prehistoric insects; deadly sabre-toothed cats and (as the title suggests) ferocious dinosaurs.

As far as pitches go, The Running Man meets Jurassic Park ‘aint half bad. There’s scope there for witty satire of the media, exhilarating ultra violence and good old fashioned creature-feature thrills. Throw in a dash of Ready Player One- with a VR setting and some multistage challenges- and you’ve got the makings of a terrific B-movie on your hands!

Alas, director Ryan Bellgardt has always been good at coming up with these enticing hooks. Where he’s been less successful, is in actually executing them. Be it because of obvious financial limitations, graceless screenwriting, or just plain-bad acting, his good intentions invariably fall apart whenever they transition to the screen. See Gremlin or Army of Frankensteins for further reference.

It’s therefore relieving (and more-than-a-little surprising), to report that The Jurassic Games is a marked improvement upon Bellgardt’s previous offerings. That’s not to say that it’s great, but it is say  his best yet by quite some margin.

This is partly down to relentless pacing, which ensures that- even when it blunders into SyFy channel territory-the film always remains stimulating and lively. If that sounds a tad patronising, or like a backhanded compliment, then it’s honestly not meant to. On the contrary, it’s all-too-rare that these low-fi movies can sustain their momentum like this, as they often end up floundering due to an  imagination deficiency.

The Jurassic Games on the other hand, is constantly escalating its  stakes with new threats and fresh ideas. In fact, it’s impressive just how much Bellgardt and his team have managed to pull off here. The production value might not be up to blockbuster standard, but there’s enough ingenuity behind the camera to make up for that, along with a generous helping of inventive set-pieces. One particular highlight is a surprisingly intense velociraptor pursuit, that takes the audience through a futuristic maze complex. It’s a scene that wears its influences on its sleeve, obviously aspiring to mimic a certain kitchen scene from a certain Spielberg movie, but to it’s credit, it does a decent job, with clever staging, bloody violence and impactful visuals.

The same goes for the other action sequences, which are all creative, gimmicky fun. If nothing else, they demonstrate that Bellgardt is honing his skills with each subsequent release, which is commendable . On that note, the filmmaker has thankfully developed a firmer grasp on things like tone. Whereas his other efforts would awkwardly lurch between high-drama and utter schlock, The Jurassic Games places itself decidedly in the latter camp, and it’s all the better for it. This is a film that knows exactly who its audience is and exactly what it wants to do. Again, that might sound like damning with faint praise, but it’s genuinely not.

The unlikely improvements don’t stop there. The special effects have received a huge upgrade since Gremlin and wouldn’t look out of place in a mid-budget TV show. Sure, the textures on the dinosaurs can  feel a little rough at times, but the important thing is that they always interact with each other and the environment in a believable way.

As for the writing, well that’s more of a mixed bag. There are definitely a few clunky lines of dialogue and several leaps in logic as the film gallops past plot points and exposition at an almost comical rate. Nevertheless, the screenplay is still concise, tightly-structured and has reasonably well-defined rules.

Speaking of which, there are some cool details here to the virtual game. For instance, if an intimate expires in the simulation, then their physical body is automatically given a lethal injection. Meanwhile there’s a ‘’ticking clock’’ aspect to proceedings, courtesy of a  PUGB-esque contrivance, wherein the battle arena is continually shrinking, so that characters are always being steered towards new dangers. It’s an efficient way to introduce jeopardy to the story and keeps things moving at a decent clip.

Lastly, we come to the acting; which is something of a sticking point for Bellgardt movies. If you look at his previous work, it sometimes seems like the director is unwilling to tailor his material to suit the abilities of his amateur cast. Or to put it more bluntly, he often insists on giving his actors difficult roles and highly emotional scenes, despite the fact that they aren’t really up to the task.

Luckily, this is another area in which Bellgardt has come leaps and bounds, although it still remains his biggest shortcoming. Let’s put it this way: the ratio of good-to-terrible performances is now at a more palatable 50:50, as opposed to like… 20:80. Granted, this means that some of them are still astoundingly awful, like Kyle Pennington (who goes full-Yosemite Sam to portray a violent, grumbling yokal with a hair-trigger temper) or Luke Wyckoff, whose extravagant depiction of a gurning cannibal reaches Battlefield Earth levels of over-the-top.

But everyone else puts in a good turn, especially Katie Burgess, who was likewise a standout in Gremlin. Here, she has more to work with though and gets to sink her teeth into an intriguing and truly enigmatic character  As the inscrutable Joy, she is initially unassuming and aloof, but as the plot starts to unravel, she gets to play with things like duality and empathy and  ends up stealing the show as a result.

To be honest, this review has been needlessly flattering of The Jurassic Games. It’s far from great. In fact, it’s barely even good. But when you’ve seen too much straight-to-VOD crap, then you really start to  appreciate those films that have effort put into them. And that’s certainty the case with this one. Not only that, but it’s encouraging to see that Ryan Bellgardt is making improvements as a filmmaker, because he has some really good ideas. And based on this evidence, he can even pull them off when he sets his mind to it.

Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ ★ ★ / Movie: ★ ★ ★

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Review: Gehenna: Where Death Lives

This was originally published at Flickering Myth on 20th April. 

A scouting party are exploring the picturesque island of Saipan, with the intention of tracking down the ideal place for a new resort. These efforts are exacerbated somewhat by the incensed locals, who take objection to how the group are disrespectfully traipsing all over the island’s cultural heritage. In spite of this resistance, the team eventually discovers the perfect spot: remote; tranquil and situated right next to a gorgeous beach.

They are about to sign-off on the idyllic location, when they inadvertently stumble across a derelict WW2 Bunker. Theorising that this underground complex (a remnant of the former Japanese occupation) might cause some structural problems for the coming resort, the gang foolishly opt to investigate further. As you would expect, paranormal shenanigans ensue.

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