When an estranged family member delivers a mysterious box to his house, Adam Thatcher initially thinks nothing of it. However, it soon becomes apparent that the metallic container actually has a clock engraved on it, one that begins ticking down with immediate effect. Whenever the dial moves a notch, an ancient creature emerges from the box and kills someone that Adam cares about. Worse still, it transpires that the only one way to prevent this from happening, is to willingly pass the vessel along to someone else, thereby resetting the countdown. Adam is thus faced with an agonising dilemma. Either allow the timer to count down (and let the bodies pile up) or pass the terrible curse along.
Being the most asinine thing to come out of a discussion about pop culture is a truly monumental achievement. After all, we’re talking about a subject that has people obsessing over the politics of Ghostbusters, whining about how journalists ‘bully’ certain comic-book corporations, and fretting over the horrific injustices of some incredibly rich, famous people not winning shinny awards. To top the stupidity league in this particular climate is no easy feat.
When you first hear the positively absurd premise for The Great Wall, your mind will naturally jump to one-of-two disparate conclusions. Either it will be so-bad-that-it’s good, or it will be a great, albeit batshit crazy, popcorn flick. There’s seemingly little room for anything outside of that binary. After all, this is a film about Matt Damon as an Irish (I think) mercenary teaming up with an army of colourfully attired, bungee jumping power-ranger lookalikes, in order to battle mythical lizard creatures that are trying to scale the Great Wall of China. I’ll give you a second to re-read that crack-pot rambling. Go on. Take your time.
One can only assume that this is loosely adapted from a collection of incoherent delusions, found scrawled upon an asylum wall in the author’s own shit. Which sounds promising as hell to me! Oh and it also has Willem Dafoe in it! So how can this be anything but majestically entertaining?